This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
