the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
