so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Someone came in the potted fern
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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