The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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