final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i believe in u and ur pee
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