he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
