Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
