ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
