well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
