i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
