It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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