Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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