i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
