So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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