I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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