I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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