I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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