we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
