I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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