I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Randomize
