And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i came on her dog
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
