my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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