I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
