i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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