Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
