If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
