i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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