he shaved USA in his pubs
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
