i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
