every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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