Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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