You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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