I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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