Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
