well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
