when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
