Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
