On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
