i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
