Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
