I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
