...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
