when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I want a musical about memes.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
