Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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