Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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