Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Who did Billy Mays play for?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
