What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
