Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think your dad took our porno
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
