Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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