fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just cut my nipple shaving
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
