When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
