She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
