Yo dont text me then not text me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
