I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
