we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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