Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
