My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
