Small penises have feelings too.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
